Gotta Go

This weekend I had a going away party. And honestly, it overwhelmed me. This is all becoming so real so fast.

People I care about want to spend time, and I oblige, but I feel I have no time for me. When I do, I either have to get shit done, or sleep.

People I haven't seen in a long time came out with their love and support. People I would never have expected to actually see, came out to celebrate. And people I expected to see made poor excuses or just didn't show up.

That's what's interesting about such a big change: you see who's actually genuinely there for you, wants to wish the very best for you. And who was just there for convenience, or because they "had" to.

Perfect strangers, people I had never met before last night said more meaningful, considerate, beautiful things to me than some of the people I had considered to be my closest friends over the last few years. And it made me realize, I couldn't take it personal.

There are people I have very likely done that to. There are people who have greater priorities than my connection to them, and that's fine. Because a lot of my life takes priority over 98% of the connections I have with others. But it doesn't mean I don't try.

Going away makes you see how many people there actually are in your life. How many relationships really hold meaning. And how you truly feel about certain people.

There are a ton of people I am saddened to walk away from. But there is also a boatload I can't wait to never have to see. The people I can't wait to be able to block and delete. It sounds bad, but honestly, it feels like such a relief.

I feel like I'm in a huge garden with beautiful lush plants, and unkept weeds. The overgrowth is overwhelming, and I'm itching to leave.

It's the safety of it that taunts me to stay. I know it's routes, its dimensions, it's ways.

But if I stay, there's a great possibility I will go insane.

There is everything and nothing for me here. Everything for my survival. Nothing for my growth.

The city feels small, I know everyone I care to know. Too many though.

I need to go to a place when they don't know my name.

So I can breathe some "fresh" air, and just be, on my own.

That is what I look forward to most.

All my love Toronto, but I gotta go.