My Secret Sides

I feel like, in time, I will tell you all my secrets.

For so long I've kept things hidden. Memories, dreams, fears, traumas.

But they no longer feel a need to hide. Maybe because I've actually stopped caring about what people think.

Maybe because I have a stronger fascination with sharing than I do withholding.

It's been a thing lately. Over sharing. It's like I want to express everything I think and feel and know and remember in the odd chance that it teaches you something. In the even slimmer chance it could change the world.

It only takes one thought. One simple, well packaged message.

A perfectly placed butterfly wing flutter that creates a tsunami of a paradigm shift.

And selfishly, I want to be the one who births it.

I'm tired of feeling tired of the state of the world. For as much as I push my life, change my mind, define my terms, and create anew - I'm disappointed that I don't see the mirrored reflection in the world.

Or maybe I do. I'm just too self-focused to really see it.

Nothing is more promised than change. And in accepting this so many years ago I have learned to thrive on it.

To the point where, without enough of it, I stagnate and become desperate for alteration. Forcing change when it does not show up on its own.

What I like most about change, though, is seeing what remains the same. Finding the constant in the chaos. That is where I can find my self. Without names, labels, job descriptions, or opinions. Somewhere in the midst of everything I've added or taken away, there is an undoubtable base of a person who I've come to love.

I love her, but I once ran from her. "I am her, she is me, and there is no escaping" is what I once wrote. A telling expression of my state of being. For lack of better terms: melancholic, depressed, unsatisfied, afraid.

I was so in the dark as to who I am. But with every decision, every song that resonates, every drawing inked into my skin, I am gradually seeing that person become exposed. Like the carving down of a sculpture, it's features only now showing light.

I will never know how much time I have here. But what I know is it is both too long and too short.

In that time, I want to make love to my highest potential. I want to shoot for the heart of the galaxy.

I want to embody star fire and pure love energy.

And because I believe it, maybe I can.

I've lived a thousand lives by 25, and plan to live thousands more. And I don't care how much I outwardly change, so long as I'm the root essence at my core.

Whatever I have said and will come to say, please know I don't share it in pure vanity. But in genuine self expression and a need to share. Being heard is nice, but it's more about getting the message out there. Whatever my message is or will one day be.

That's it for tonight.

All my love