To be or not to be

That is the question.

But what is the theme of being?

There are things I can't help but be. For as much as I'd like to change those things, sometimes, it's not a possibility.

Like being a bad singer. Nothing I can do about that. For as much as I like to sing, a beautiful tune with likely never leave my throat.

Being a lefty? Not changing that for anyone. Sorry, not sorry.

Being an emotional individual. ALSO, not much to be done about that. I couldn't cut that out of myself if I tried.

Being selfish. Now there's one I struggle with. It comes so natural to me to want to satisfy other people. Part of me feels that if I can make others happy, I will be happy by proxy. And alternatively, if I make a choice that makes them unhappy, I myself cannot truly be happy.

But I feel like that's a deep seated lie.

So many people in my life have chosen to be selfish despite how it affected me. Despite how much it hurt my feelings, disappointed me, humiliated me, or changed my life.

Funny, because I still did things, said or didn't say things, to protect those people, even after they did what they did to me. For the most part, I accepted their decisions and internalized them to mean I wasn't enough for their love, consideration or respect.

It tore down my self-worth, if I ever in fact had any. I honestly can't remember.

It's gold for the opportunistic types. As I sift through memories, I can trace a line through all the people who have taken advantage of it in my life time. Right to my earliest memories.

I feel like it has always been a glitch in my system. A program installed so long ago, I don't remember it's inception.

It's something I'd like to unlearn. Something to overwrite, and overcome.

And slowly I am learning to say no. To not accept the selfishness of others. To walk away from people who have no respect.

But it's a process.

It's ironic that the cure to the selfishness of others is my own selfishness. It's like a homeopathic remedy for my soul.

The answer is to be AND not to be.

Be selfish, and not be a pawn to the selfishness of others.

At least that's what makes sense to me.

Here's to another day of pondering.

All my selfish love,