It's going to be okay

Today was a numbered day.

I kept seeing sequences, progressions. 11:11, 12:21, 12:34, 345, 4:56. I saw them all today. And it made me feel "okay".

I don't mean okay as in "so-so", I mean it as reassured. Like everything is in order, what's happening is what needs to, and everything else is of no concern.

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. I fall asleep, but my subconscious stays awake and conjures all the awful things that can happen when I'm away. A lot of it has to do with where I sleep, who I meet, and when I'm alone at night.

I'm trying to solve this mystery. What do I do? What if… But it's a bridge I won't know until I cross it. Until then, worrying only makes me suffer twice.

I find myself creating contingency plans. Playing out scenarios in my mind that I may never encounter. But I feel the mental prep is necessary.

I'm afraid. Absolutely terrified.

I'm told that's normal. And that's good.

I think about Tom Brady before the Super Bowl. He said he wasn't afraid. And I thought, he's not prepared. And you know what, he lost. He underestimated his opponent. I don't want to underestimate anything coming my way.

Super Bowl was a big deal to the Pearson family. The Pearson's are the family that the show This Is Us is about. I try to avoid watching TV, but it's my guilty pleasure. It makes you feel all the feels.

It revolves around a man named Jack.

What is it about hopeless romantics named Jack that do it for me?

Leo from Titanic, Milo from TIU. They just pull my heart strings.

In the last TIU episode, Jack gives a speech about the word "okay". He brought his wife to his favourite tree, his favourite because it would be where she found out she was "okay". Bought a particular car, because he wanted to make sure his family would be "okay".

That's what I want for myself. I want to be okay.

Ya, sure I want the most beautiful love, and a most beautiful life. I'm going to strive for the best case scenario all the way, every day, always. But what I'm about to do has infinite potential. Both good and bad.

And so I'm willing to settle for okay. If I can come out okay, I'll consider myself lucky.

I'm gonna end this post with a short, silly girl poem:

They call it This Is Us

But that's them

And this is me

All I know is I gotta find me a man like Milo Ventimi-

All my love,