It's not about me

Actually.. that's a lie. It's totally about me. It won't ALL be about me, but mostly… it's about me. You are subscribing to MY thoughts, of course it's gonna be about me. But it'll be about other things too. Cool things, new things, bad things, blue things… aha. You get it…

I struggle a lot with the self. Not necessarily with who I am, but who I am in relation to "society".

I feel an obscene amount, but feelings aren't really acceptable "things". They are hard to communicate, and the message doesn't always end up received. They just kind of bounce off their target, then float awkwardly in the ether until they fade and dissipate.

I struggle with the buzzwords of the new world. And their evidence of existence in the old one before they were named. "Non binary", "mansplaining", "white priviledge", "cis", "gas lighting", "them/they". They elicit so many feelings and thoughts. Fears, regrets, concerns, and pains. I want to do right by them, and what they stand for, then part of me says "but how?".

I often feel I have no right to complain. It's not just "white guilt", but able-bodied guilt, first world guilt, and so on. Leaving me in a conundrum of emotion whose only escape is suppression, distraction and denial. Part of me says, "Won't someone please just tell me how to feel?", only I would never accept force-fed feelings of any kind. Not unless, I was able to consider and digest them on my own terms.

I struggle with my personal success. I feel a certain amount of sheepish angst about it. As if other's are secretly condemning me for the fruit I publicly consume, because they don't see my labours, only my privilege. And yes of course, the opinions of others should be of little to no concern, but I'd be lying to both myself and you if I said it doesn't cross my mind.

I struggle with my body. Not because I feel overweight, unshapely or unfit. But because it's actually quite the opposite. It draws staring and lewd comments, sometimes unwelcome touching. Sometimes it's as if the person inside of it is of no importance, not worth taking the time to know, just there to animate the "desirable" bag of flesh and bone.

I struggle with my sex and gender. Growing up very athletic and not overly "girly", I only was able to embrace my femininity just recently. It's as if as soon as I embraced it, it became challenged and outdated. All the nouveau world was coming out as "they/them", when I was finally really wrapping my head around and accepting "she". Everyone's saying "gay's okay", while I'm still trying to failingly attempt heteronormativity.

I feel like the new Mom in the baby class that wonder's if she's the only one that doesn't like her kid. Like everyone got a memo, that I missed. Like everyone's crazy for Drake, and I just don't get it. I just feel ignorant, or the exact opposite. I can't tell if I'm the odd one out, or if it's everyone else.

I once thought I was undiagnosed high functioning autistic. Lived most of my life thinking I was introverted and shy. Turns out, I'm just a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). It's a real thing. We HSPs make up roughly 20% of the population, so we're definitely a minority, and yes we're different, but it doesn't mean we're less. We just feel more, think more, and say less than the average person.

Zygotic our start, that's about the most pertinent thing we all have in common. Everything else kind of blurs from there, fractaling out into something one of a kind. Maybe once we were able to define the products in duality's and categories, skin colours and castes, but it's not so simple anymore. And I find myself floundering in the difference.